What makes me feel truly alive? Living; living fully, loudly, passionately, with no limits, no filters, and no somebody else’s rules..

I used to have a very few areas, in which I was able to express myself fully. I was an introverted and lonely child, but I could dance! That’s was my life, my salvation, my feeling of “being truly alive”. It started changing with age. I still loved dancing, but I kept adding things to my “list of full expression”.

Everything I added involved body and body movement of course…

I have discovered the nature. I dived into it completely, head first. I spent every possible moment in mountains hiking, climbing, exploring my technical and altitude limits, from small Tatras in Eastern Europe to Himalayas in Nepal.

Fighting the elements and my own body and mind limitations made me feel insanely happy and truly alive. It soon wasn’t enough; I moved to another part of the world and started exploring waters. The ocean kayaking made me sing in happiness… for a while. I traveled, I mountain biked. It was all great at first…

I really worried that I might soon run out of ideas.  And then one day, I got it. It wasn’t a lightning-bolt-hit-on-the-head “got it”. It took me a while I have to admit.

I started seeing that my never ending pursuit of feeling fully alive, was in fact taking me away from living fully. I was always looking for, planning, or awaiting another adventure, completely oblivious to what was happening right in front of me. Even though there was a lot happening.

I looked into myself; I didn’t really like what I saw.

I saw a terrified, unhappy, self-conscious little girl, that tried to measure up to something or somebody and just could not make it.

I saw a woman, who didn’t want to be a woman, and tried hard to be strong and manly.

I saw a lot of missed opportunities for love and connection with one very important man in my life, who in all fairness, was doing exactly the same; missing opportunities and pushing love away.

Well, I know now something that I didn’t know at that time. I know that in order to accept love and connection, one has to be vulnerable. I definitely wasn’t. Being vulnerable wasn’t even in my vocabulary. In my world it would have been a total defeat. And a defeat wasn’t in my vocabulary either.

How in a world one learns to be vulnerable? Not so easy.
I will spare you from long lists of all the “self-growth”, “personal development” courses, books, workshops, lectures…you name it, I have taken over the years. Even if you are interested, you need your own list.
I have met incredible people on my way to liberation, who are still dear friends. And I managed to keep close, much closer than before, the one very important man in my life.

I also forgave you, a child predator from my distant past. Not because I care about you (you are probably long gone anyway), but because I love myself.

I still plan and complete many fantastic adventures. I still travel, ocean kayak, dance and mountain bike. What is different? I appreciate every minute of it and do not consider a horrible waste of time those moments when I am doing something else. I appreciate a coffee with my friend or an unexpected conversation with a stranger as much as my mountaineering escapades.
I cherish every moment I can spend with my adult daughter, despite the mood or the weather.
I even learned to appreciate my physical shortcomings and pains, although there is still a huge room for improvement. Some habits do not die that fast. Good thing I believe in reincarnation; I may get it right the next time around (if I am lucky that is).

So here it is, a complete answer to the question: what makes me feel truly alive?

Being here and now, enjoying every moment of my journey, feeling everything fully (including pain and sorrow), loving unconditionally, passionately, and tenderly, playing with whole heart. Feeling wind and rain on my face, or the first rays of sun coming from behind the ridge of the mountain in front of my window.

Accepting everything and everyone (including myself) the way they are. Getting up every morning, and being happy that I am still here.