My personal experiences through the 12-21-12 gateway and beyond had thrown me onto a roller coaster of highly charged emotions and experiences.
The next six weeks (January to mid-February) contained many moments of sudden and quite profound feelings of love which were then followed by a health crisis of huge proportions in which fear dominated my days and nights. On a conscious level, I had no idea why my heart was feeling profound love only to later bounce around like a ping pong ball in my chest. The gift in these great episodic swings of love and fear, went unknown until the gift was finally revealed during one of my meditations.
A vision came to me of a young woman about the age of 17, sitting on a window ledge inside a house, anxiously looking outward and repeating,“we have to find someone to love us, we just have to find someone to love us, we can’t live without love”!! It was as though I was observing this scene with curiosity. I instantly recognized this young woman as my ego self desperately searching for love outside of my self to validate an aspect of me that felt insecure and unlovable. And then, quietly and yet very powerfully, another voice responded from deep within this observer me expressing a great calmness and deep reassurance that“we are love and we are loved, we are everything, all that is, we require nothing outside of our self”. This was repeated over and over again to the anxious young woman looking for love. (‘m not sure why the “we”… perhaps meaning both the aspects of ego and self).
It all sounds so simple and yet it took almost a lifetime to finally really get it at the core of myself. I had always known the truth of these words and repeated them often, although unaware that my subconscious was still playing out a belief that had kept me in it’s grip for a huge part of my life.
You could say that I should’ve figured it out with the repeating patterns created, although it was not that easy while living inside the program. There were plenty of patterns and programs being played out within the gifts of challenges chosen for this lifetime’s experiences. And each had to be safely peeled away bit by bit before revealing the Divine Essence deep within. We always get what we need to grow and evolve but not always in the way we want or expect, and not always in the manner we desire!
I understood that my life had been filled with relationships in which I sought validation of love that seemed so difficult to give myself. Consequently, I attracted relationships that could not give, could not share, could not respond to my giving, my sharing, or my love. Just understanding this was not enough to release me from deeply held beliefs of unworthiness that had been expressed through a lifetime of desperation, poverty, abuse, and health issues.
I’m learning more and more that acceptance of whatever shows up in life, and loving all of life’s challenges, is also accepting and loving the Divine within. Which in turn, is also loving and accepting myself.
A number of years ago, I made a very clear intent that “I’m going to love myself no matter what”! All I can say is, be careful what you give intent for!
In retrospect, I can now see more clearly with “new eyes” that my so called “challenges” have been enormous gifts in disguise. We must recognize the blessing in everything and everybody. And, everything,EVERYTHING (every experience, every person), regardless of what it/they/the experience looks like, has one clear, self sustaining, life altering, evolutionary purpose, ….TO REMEMBER AND BE THE LOVE THAT WE ARE!!
We can never judge another’s path or purpose as we cannot possibly know what their soul knows or the life lessons they have set up for themselves. We just need to realize that regardless of what and who they appear to be on the outside, they are also us in disguise. We are all old souls of infinite being who have chosen this life on earth out of Divine Love and a desire to help our universe evolve. We all choose different roles that trigger and challenge each of us to remember who we are. There is not one of us that is above or below another since we are all part of the Divine Oneness.
Lately, I have been welling up with tears and feeling so very, very grateful for all beings and all experiences in my life. I feel as though I’ve been “born again” and am SO GRATEFUL…OH SO VERY GRATEFUL!!
We are continuing to release any of the old ways of being, thinking, and feeling on a personal and collective level by changing our perspectives and questioning all personal and collective beliefs that keep us limited, restricted and separated. We are all evolving, expanding, growing and becoming within this energy. A great time to be alive, indeed!
Love Eternal. ^i^ ^i^
Jackie